Ketchup Is A Condiment, Not My Friend

Photo by L McWilliams

That I can "friend" my ketchup is confusing and even jarring. Ketchup is a condiment, not a friend. I consume ketchup in a way that is neither reciprocal nor friendly. Nonetheless, I see from the label that I can follow my ketchup brand on Facebook.

Facebook has been called many things, like a huge waste of time (said Betty White hilariously on "Saturday Night Live"), a piece of marketing genius, this generation's pet rock. After a bit of experimentation, I declared Facebook not for me. I'll take my email, my iphriend and my blog. I am too old for the web 2.0 wizardry.

Then I went on Twitter.

I thought Twitter users simply answered the question of What Are You Doing Now?

My life is not interesting enough to tweet that kind of information. I cut grapes for the kids at breakfast. I get dressed, cut some grapes for snack. Throw in a load of laundry, contemplate existential questions like "Is ketchup my friend?" and cut some grapes for lunch.

I certainly don't want to read anybody's grape-cutting Tweets. I don't necessarily care to get up-to-the-minute updates on some starlet's latest failed drug test or Mel Gibson's most recent rant.

My hand was forced. As per class instructions, I opened up a Twitter account. I browsed through feeds. Whatever.

But oh, there is McSweeney's. I love that online magazine. That's pretty cool. Oh wait, National Public Radio has an account? Awesome, I'll follow that one, too.

Then I found a running list of the Best Tweets of the Day and included was the Dalai Lama's tweet, "An authentic attitude of compassion doesn't change, even faced with another person's negative behavior."

The Dalai Lama tweets.

It was just what I needed. Because the Queen Bee of the neighborhood let her dog poop on the sidewalk and she talks around me, still, after 5 years of living in the same neighborhood. I needed a refresher on why compassionate thinking is worthwhile. If Twitter is good enough for the Dalai Lama then surely it is good enough for me.

Now, instead of existential questions around ketchup, I have Twitter on the brain: If I tweet on Twitter, does that make me a twat? Or just a twit? If I can't understand Twitterspeak, am I a twidiot? Am I twilliterate?

Questions to be answered on another day, I suppose.